shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
