Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
