She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize