the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
