She is in my trunk
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
