drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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