Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Someone signed my nipple.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
