there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
