i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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