I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
