At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
