I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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