What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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