if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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