dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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