he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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