when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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