I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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