??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
