My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
