oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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