At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize