I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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