You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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