Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
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