When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
