I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
