WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
