I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
BRING THE BAGELS
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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