i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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