Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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