the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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