Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
