so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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