her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
