I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I want to be your penis for a week.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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