Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
