shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
