If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
