i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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