your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
