I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
