I just saw a hot homeless man
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
