I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
