proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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