If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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