Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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