I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
