We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
