She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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