On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize