She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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