i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
