I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
