I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
