A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
