Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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