I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
