I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
