I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
