i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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