Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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